Firsts Freewrite

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Firsts Freewrite

Post  cbehling on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:11 pm

It was a nasty rainy afternoon. I had been talking to her all day. I mean, what is texting for other than talking to your girlfriend who’s in a different class across the school? We had only been going out for a few weeks at that time. She was my first “real” girlfriend. Middle school stuff never really counts. It’s too – innocent maybe. Anyway, it was a nasty rainy afternoon. It had been pouring on and off, with intermittent misting. Luckily, she liked the rain. We were out walking during one of the times between downpours. It was oddly bright outside considering the massive black clouds looming overhead. And it had that smell all rainy days have; that smell of wet dirt and earthworms. You know the smell I’m talking about. Haven’t you ever knelt down on the driveway just after it rains to watch the little worms wriggling this way and that, watching them realize it was probably a mistake to venture this far from home? If so, you’ll know the smell. But that’s only something done on most nasty rainy afternoons. This one was different. Out back, behind the school, we walked. Where the giant swing set used to be. A river of muddy water ran beside us, cutting a new riverbed next to the brick wall, necessary for the torrents of rain that had been going on all day. I stopped to watch. And she noticed. She turned around and just looked at me with a little smile. She frolicked up to me – yes, frolicked. You know that little run girls often do where they point their toes out behind them and sort of just bounce as they run? It was one of those. She threw her arms around my neck. A vague wave of vanilla washed over me; she always smelled a little like vanilla. Everything was extraordinarily bright for just an instant. Then nothing could be heard above the roar of thunder combined with the deafening rumble of huge raindrops hitting the metal roof of the school. The sky broke loose. My first instinct on that rainy afternoon was to walk under the cover of the roof, lean against the red brick wall, and wait for the rain to let up just a bit before going on. Instead she gently tugged on my shirt without a word. I knew that I had to follow. She led the way to a large lonely tree. I know nothing else about the field except that it seemed to be large and green. I was far more focused on the girl standing in front of me. She was just leaning against the tree, staring at me with her large brown eyes, hands on the back on my neck. A flick of her hair sent water flinging at my face. It would have gotten me wet, had we not both already been drenched.

cbehling

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Re: Firsts Freewrite

Post  jxl33 on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:11 pm

Cute story. I like that it uses an author's personal voice and tries to get readers more involved by mentioning questions. -cbehling

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Re: Firsts Freewrite

Post  Admin on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:14 pm

What first is this, particularly? It's a beautiful scene and a fantastic descriptive scene that drew me to the place, but looking back at it I'm not sure exactly what you were writing about- why it was significant. It also seems somewhat incomplete- like you didn't finish describing the scene and didn't continue the story when you revised. Perhaps that was just a personal perception, though.

Excellent depiction of the exhilaration, though, and beautiful description. Very good scene building and depiction of motion.

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!!

Post  LEit on Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:26 pm

This is Fantastic... I feel what you are talking about for real. I love how you have little teeny tiny anecdotes about texting, and the smell of earthworms, and frolicking. These are all very fitting in the story, but I want it to mean more. I can see that it is incomplete, and it will most surely mean something when it comes. I await that grand day.

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Re: Firsts Freewrite

Post  MrX on Tue Sep 21, 2010 4:20 pm

This is a very sweet story. I liked the implementation of digressions that truly added to the story and developing your character. Great description of the rainy weather and the damp environment. Awesome job!

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