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Post  elephantastic on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:10 pm

I remember walking down the hospital hall. My obnoxiously shiny shoes made cheerfully loud noises on the polished tiles. I clutched my little brother’s hand as we purposefully strode down the path we knew so well, making jokes with my older brother along the way. My older sister Sam laughed, while Anita toddled along at her side. In through the doors, the second left, first right, and there we found our new hangout. We unlinked our chain of five siblings and gowned up like old pros, because we were. The familiar routine, hand sanitizer, gown, gloves, masks, at first so strange and serious to us, had become common practice by that point.
Somehow a short stay in the hospital had turned into, a few weeks, which had grown into a serious condition, and several trips to the ICU. As time went on each new downwards turn became the new norm, and my family, the eternal optimists, kept thinking that everything would get better. I remember my mother explaining her spot on the transplant list in that hopeful voice, how the cystic fibrosis was supposed to magically fix itself. On this day, my family carried out our normal procedure with our usual ease. My grandmother gave us weak smiles through the oxygen mask, and the smell of antiseptic was barely noticeable to me.
As we left her room hours later, my mother and I found ourselves separated from the pack for a few moments. I had been about to comment on some mundane detail of our surroundings when she turned to me. “Promise me she’ll live.”
I heard myself say “Of course she will mum, don’t even say that!” but for the first time there was doubt in my mind that my grandma might not make it through


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Join date : 2010-09-19

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Post  jxl33 on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:12 pm

This was very moving especially because from the first paragraph it sets you up with something sweet which transitions over to something completely different. The ending was also very innocent but has so much meaning behind it. Very touching piece.


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Post  Sarah Seko on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:13 pm

This piece is beautifully written. I really loved how your style and diction transitioned as the piece progressed. At the beginning the freewrite, you do a great job of conveying your childlike innocence through the description of your shoes. The contrast between your "obnoxiously shiny shoes" and the stark hospital setting is very well written. The ending was very touching.

Sarah Seko

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Post  MrX on Tue Sep 21, 2010 4:33 pm

This is written fantastically, I went from thinking that it was going to be a joyous outing with family to understanding the seriousness of the trip. Great job at describing your mindset and how you shifted from thinking about mundane things to realizing the seriousness of the matter. Good job!!!


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Post  MaryShelley on Fri Sep 24, 2010 12:08 am

I just want to add that the mother asking the child/narrator to promise her "she will live" is really intense, dramatic, and unexpected. It suggests a turn, a story behind the story. I felt particularly moved by this reversal of roles expressed thru dialogue.


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