Freewrite #2 by MrX

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Post  MrX on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:10 pm

Five significant firsts:
1) The first time I kissed a girl
2) The first time I watched a New York Giants game with my family
3) The first time I wrote a program for Robotics
4) The first time I mentored a middle school student for Robotics
5) The first time I read Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time

Five significant lasts:
1) The last time I had a home cooked meal from Mom
2) The last time I watched basketball with my Dad
3) The last time I had a family reunion
4) The last time I competed in a Robotics Regional
5) The last time I had a thought-provoking discussion with my friends

I vividly remember the last time that my mother made me a delicious home cooked meal. It was the last day I was at home before leaving for Olin. I awoke to the sound of clashing pots and pans on the kitchen stove and rushing water in the kitchen sink. My mother and my aunt had woken up early in the morning and were cooking well into the afternoon. By lunchtime they had already cooked enough food to serve as a feast for ten people. I remember the distinct aroma of chicken curry with Indian spices when I walked into the kitchen. Carefully plated on the dining table were dishes topped with tender yellow chicken curry, bright orange carrot sweets, and soft white Indian bread. I sat down to eat with my family and savored every bite. The juicy curry was rich in meat and had just the right amount of spice, hardly enough to taste the sting of chili. The food was cooked perfectly and everyone was in a joyful mood to celebrate my ascension into college. My mom sat down next to me after we had finished eating and whispered into my ear, “Don’t forget that I’ll always have a plate ready for you whenever you want to visit home.”


Posts : 24
Join date : 2010-09-14

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Post  cbehling on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:15 pm

I really like your use of smell and sound. Those are two senses that most people, or at least I, usually forget. I can really get a sense of whats going on as well. One thing you might want to try is more "showing" and less telling. You have all the elements there, and i really love the last line.


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Post  Patrick Varin on Tue Sep 21, 2010 1:32 pm

I like the way you described some of the food, "the sting of the chili". The last line is by far the most powerful, and I think this is because you said specifically that it was "whispered into [your] ear." It suggests that the the dialogue may have more than one meaning. The casual comment, as if to say "you're welcome anytime", is overshadowed by the sense that this may also be a more sentimental goodbye-the end of a stage in the mother child relationship.

Patrick Varin

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Join date : 2010-09-14
Age : 27

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Post  MaryShelley on Fri Sep 24, 2010 12:21 am

You convey the significance of a meal in your family, how much care it represents. I have such a feeling of warmth from the description. I do think your strength is in showing. The telling is always comparatively dry. I could imagine a longer, creative nonfiction essay around food & family. maybe I just like descriptions of delicious food...but there are possibilities for development here.


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Join date : 2010-09-17

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