Dialogue Janaki

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Dialogue Janaki

Post  elephantastic on Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:46 am


Rick was precariously balanced, standing on one foot, swaying slightly. The open laptop next to him wasn’t even a blip on his radar, but Eve definitely noticed the situation.
“You’re going to break my computer,” she said wearily.
"No I won't"
Yes you will!!"
“No, see I’m holding onto my toe” he stated it like an obvious and rational objection.
“That doesn’t help you balance!” we could tell from our chairs that this could head in a bad direction.
“Holding onto your ear helps you balance” Katie offered, as a kind of compromise.
“NO it doesn’t?! why?!” Rick was clearly agitated by this point
"Because there’s fluid in it!” Eve said as she jumped on the ear-balance bandwagon, clearly just eager to prove him wrong.
"So why would you want to mess with it?!” Rick ended the arguement as though he had been clearly in the right all along.

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Re: Dialogue Janaki

Post  Sarah Seko on Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:59 am

Your dialogue is very amusing, but I am a little confused about what is happening in this scene. Maybe if you gave a description of the setting or why Rick was standing on one foot it would be more clear. I also don't really understand the last two statements (about the fluid). Maybe I am just missing something?

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Re: Dialogue Janaki

Post  Admin on Tue Sep 28, 2010 12:04 pm

A very humorous selection, with the element of conflict clearly in it. You manage to introduce and convey three characters in a very short period of time without confusing the reader, which is impressive. I can definitely see this sort of dialogue happening, and you portrayed the way it would have been spoken well. Capitalizing and punctuating for emphasis was good.

This is a little short, though. In addition, while it's cute and very entertaining, there seems to be no real resolution to the situation, like you saw it happening as you walked by and then walked away without writing the finish. Adding more, even if it's a fictionalized more, to this scene, would be a good improvement I think.

To respond on Janaki's behalf as to the reason for the ear thing, your inner ear has fluid in it. When you spin or tilt the fluid sloshes, and you get dizzy because your body isn't sure how you're oriented relative to the ground without that reference. The ear thing to me came off as joking and purely contradictory, based on the knowledge that a large amount of your ability to balance is based on your brain's registering the fluid settled in your ear. It's silly and quirky and I liked it :3

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Re: Dialogue Janaki

Post  Patrick Varin on Tue Sep 28, 2010 12:07 pm

Haha, I glad you picked this scene. Short, but I think it described the situation pretty well. I could see where it may have the potential to confuse others though, but that might just be because of the absurdity of the situation. Maybe I understood it better because I was there.

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