Freewrite 5

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Post  Patrick Varin on Sun Nov 28, 2010 7:30 pm

Sand in my shoes
Paper cuts
Holes in my socks
Dry air
Dry weather
Aching feet

Belgian Chocolate
Passion fruit
The warmth of sunshine
A warm rain

I’ve planned and packed and prepared
And the day begins in silence
Under the mountain’s shadow

Capped with its hat of snow
Forests at its feet

I breathe the last breath
Of anticipation
As I pull my laces tight
And step onto the trail

Somewhere, somehow
The forest in its cunning
Planted a pebble in
My shoe

The miles passed and slowly
I felt a mass
Small against my heel

It went at first unnoticed
But grew with my attention
Until it fell away when I
Found another distraction

The peak continued to tower
Against the sky
Through the trees, branches and leaves
And my foot began to sore

It ached burned a splitting pain
Till I came upon a brook
And sat upon a stump
To investigate the boulder in my boot

I found to my surprise
Not a boulder or a
Rock or even a pebble but
A grain of sand

I sat on the mountainside
Agape in astonishment
At the small mountain crumb
And the hole in my foot

Patrick Varin

Posts : 15
Join date : 2010-09-14
Age : 27

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Post  cbehling on Fri Dec 03, 2010 1:06 pm

I liked this! It was fun to read, and even funny at the end. I know the experience you're talking about all too well, and it's never fun. I liked this poem a lot. I think you should re-visit it at some point. There are a few choppy lines here and there. I think it has a huge amount of potential to turn into a great poem.


Posts : 26
Join date : 2010-09-14

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Post  MaryShelley on Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:10 am

yes, as cbehling said, there is great potential here. that last stanza is utterly powerful, "crumb of a mountain"...
my question is: do you really need the first two stanzas?
also, it is the fourth stanza that causes confusion
a great freewrite! focused


Posts : 55
Join date : 2010-09-17

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